"I can’t bottle it up anymore…it’s just too much. My past bears down on me like a weight I need to lift. And the present is just adding more and more weight…and eventually my strength will fail and I’ll no longer be able to lift the weight. Who knows what will happen when that happens?
I do. I’ll explode…like a grenade, and destroy everything in my path. Anyone who ever cared about me caught in an exploding fireball of grief and pain…and I don’t want that. I might have magic…a wand…but there’s nothing to contain my feelings. I’m too explosive to be contained.
Nobody understands. They just shunt me aside as selfish. Nobody gets. And I’m starting to think nobody ever will.
So...before the pain consumes me, I'm going to write it down. I don't know if anyone but me will ever see it. I'm scared of showing weakness. But...there is good reason for my monophobia that nobody knows about. The crap that nobody knows about. That nobody knows about except me...the burdens I've had to carry alone for years. But the backpack is too heavy for me now, so I have to put it down somewhere, even if it might be found.
My parents were teen parents. But they couldn't keep me at EESM because Rasskazov (that asshole) wouldn't let them. That's why I hate Rasskazov so much...but nobody knows that's the underlying reason. That one decision put me through seven years of hell...and those seven years of hell are part of what drives me insane, made me as dark as I am.
I was left on the doorstep of a snowy Romanian orphanage in a blanket. It was cold and wet, and I did not like it - so I cried, and cried. In those moments before they turned and left, I am sure it almost seemed that, if it weren't for Rasskazov, they could have parented me - but he sent me to an unknown place...away from my parents...where all sorts of horrors happened to me.
The first year or so was fine, but I would fall asleep to the sickening crescendo of crying children, harsh staff voices and slaps that cracked the silence. But I could never see them. They locked me up for having wizarding blood...we were all isolated from one another, and in seven years I never saw another child. We were served our meals in our little box-rooms, and even they were meagre.
I got caught trying to escape out of a window - I lost count of how many times the belt hit and how the sound of some of the other children laughing floated through the walls, and the Romanian screams of the ladies watching me still haunt me. That was a common occurrence. Trying to escape.
I remember a kid died once, they snapped their neck falling out of the first story window. They almost made it, and they'd have been the first. I remember sneaking a peek out of mine and seeing the body, and that enters my dreams every so often too. We didn't hold a funeral because we weren't allowed out.
I still have scars in some places, from trying to escape from that place. My liberty came with the most terrifying memory. I'd stolen a knife from the kitchen - I was seven, and I wanted to scare somebody into letting me out. I was going mad of the not seeing anybody...but when they came in, I actually hit my target without meaning to - I'd been aiming for the wall but it hit the nurse instead. They sent me back to my parents...they were all scared of me.
The second time I was alone, for any length of time, Rasskazov isolated me. I almost died in there. I'd almost killed Rasskazov, actually, it was about an inch, and I would have bled to death from a wound - I think I threw myself to the floor purposefully - to knock myself out so I'd either sleep or die because I was fatigued - I was monophobiac by then and I needed to get out of my fearzone. Cristi found me passed out on the floor, lying in what he called a 'scary pool of blood.'
The third time, I snapped and almost killed Cristi. I don't know what I did there at all because I don't remember it, but according to him and Laena I went all sarcastic and deadly on him, I was blaming him for everything...it was awful. So every time I've been alone extensively...something's happened. I'm always scared I'll hurt somebody else.
What is it with me, damnit? Why can't I just live normally? Maybe I could have a memory charm and start anew, but that would mean leaving the Aces behind - and I just couldn't do it. Even if they've said 'screw you' and stuff to me, decided not to care in others' cases...I still do.
I can't let go of everything we've done. I just hope writing it helps me, because otherwise, I'll go over the edge. Maybe...maybe things will get better. Maybe."